In A Nutshell

So like my intro says, I'm 33 years old, I'm an African native (that means I live in one of the African countries), I'm HIV positive #cliche, and yes, I'm gay.

The thing is, I never really quite fit in growing up. I was always the kid that was too lazy or girly to play with the other boys, teased by the girls I played with because I was just too girly and just like them and even my own folks sometimes looked at me like I was a disease.

By the age of 6 I already knew I liked boys, even though my first gay experience didn't happen until I was 19, but back then I didn't know what the concept was about, so I didn't feel like there was anything wrong with me. That was of course until the age of 11 when I was introduced to the concept of homosexuality, I think it had something to do a Michael Jackson scandal. I asked what homosexuality meant and it was explained to me in the most derogatory manner. I understood what was explained and at that moment also, something woke up on my inside, I recognized I was just like that and for the first time I felt like there was something wrong with me. "And where there is no law there is no transgression" - Rom 4:15. For the first time, it occurred to me to hide myself.

So I've been hiding, at least I tried to, all the while holding on to my very strong christian beliefs and begging God, in tears, everyday to save me. That prayer was never answered and if I might add, that every time I imagined God's face, it was frowning at me.

I loved God and wanted to serve him but I believed he hated me.

So at 23, after years of counselling, praying and fasting and all to no avail, I was exhausted from all the self loathing. I had seen people testify to God's goodness and I always wondered why he never answered my prayers or came through for me. I mean what could be more urgent that the disease of homosexuality? So one day I looked myself in the mirror and said, "Yo, you're gay. You have always been gay and you will always be gay". Then I breathed freely and started the slow process of self therapy and healing.

It was then also I realized there were more than 5 gay people living in Lagos, like seriously, I thought we were not that many and I embraced the gay/TB/sagba/arajugun community full throttle. In this period, I temporarily divorced my faith. It didn't make sense to go to church and sing praises to God with the same mouth I enjoyed sucking dicks. So I stepped aside. I went ahead to enjoy my gay life and I guess I took the reckless lifestyle a bit too.

So I tested positive to HIV, oh well.

Prior to my status revelation, my plan was to soft pedal, make my gay life more hidden, get a woman foolish enough to marry me and settle down. I've always thought the gay life is a very depressing and lonely one, and I don't trust men either, and I didn't want to die alone. My interest in marriage, to a woman, was also fueled by the fact that my local society considers you like an under-achiever if you're not married. I wanted to be in everyone's good books for once in my fucking life.

So what do I do now? I feel trapped. I'm currently visiting the USA and I'm wondering if I can embrace the progressive culture that America has to offer. I really don't know. I plan to travel to few other cities in the US before heading back home. 

Perhaps I'll find acceptance and love, though I wonder if this would be at the expense of my extended family. I'm not sure if I can handle being rejected by the only people I have.

I'm tired of being alone. I need to be loved, legitimately.